Bud Hearn Archive
Archived 2-26-2008 Rent a Rabbi and Other Useless Indulgences Hello Friends: What better way to begin a new year, or anything for that matter, than to invoke the favor of Divine Beneficence? From wash room to Wall Street, coast to coast, it's being done. The methods vary, of course. It's commonly known that Americans love their money and their God, in that order. Political clichés provide a good summary: "In politics there are two things that matter most: First is money: and nobody can remember the other one." Martin Luther made a statement in 1517 by nailing up his 95 Theses on the Pope's Temple door, condemning the practice by The Church of Mary and Peter of selling "Indulgences" to illiterate and destitute parishioners for the remission of sins--you know, for enough money perhaps God will assuage a guilty conscience, or so the Pope's minions promised. Not to be outdone, Tom "Top Gun" Cruise and his Bride, The Church of Scientology, are offering redemption to Hollywood Celebrities for the relatively modest sums of $700 for "entry-level" salvation and $5,000 for the speed course. These "Indulgences" are expressly designed to "Clean" the Contritioner from all past Public and Private indiscretions. (As an aside, I believe the Chateau Scientology was the model for the Eagles hit song, "Hotel California," a place that's easy to get into and hard to get out of...listen closely to the words!) As usual, the selling of "Indulgences" has reached its Apotheosis on Wall Street, where the "Rent a Rabbi" program has taken root. For $10,000 one can learn the Torah in group sessions--but for up to $250,000, cash of course, your Rental Rabbi will come to your home, business or Starbucks for sessions of salvation scriptures. Of course, Wall Street lives or dies second by second, tick by tick, so it's important to have up-to-the-minute God-sessions...hey, the DJIA, NASDAQ and CBOT wait for no man! Even in the Backwater South Indulgence-selling is ubiquitous, if not cleverly disguised. I once visited a so-called Mega-Church--you know, those charismatically-charged services of 30,000 or more--where tears of contrition and cash meet for the purpose of Absolution. I'm told unless one tithes, there will be no hospital visits ~~Hey, cash is King here! Collection "plates" (5 gallon white buckets with words emblazoned in red, the Devil's favorite color, claiming: "The Lord loves a cheerful giver") are passed throughout the 2 hour services. When the soft cash trickles out, coins, Rolexes, Benz keys and jewelry hit with heavy thuds, audible assurances that all is forgiven, COD. I ran out of cash and was asked to leave early! Even the political Carnival of Candidates is getting into the act, selling insidious Indulgences... cheap 2-bit promises for $200 hits on your Visa or checkbook...hey, for enough, you too can sleep in the White House. Well, with wisdom comes age, so satis verborum--enough of words--you get the point…. And I’m about to leap from this corner I’ve painted myself into by a wild prediction for 2008: Rental Forgiveness Programs still won’t work, but a healthy dose of humility or scotch might! “Res ipsa loquitor…” The thing speaks for itself! And that's Something to Think About! |
